Let’s be real—self-development can feel like a full-time job and many of us are up for the challenge. We journal, meditate, exercise, we try to eat in ways that make us feel good, we make appointments with mental health professionals, we follow feminist financial planners on social media… We do all we can with what we have. And yet, so many of us still skip the part that I argue matters most: our sexuality.
And let me be clear, it’s not just about sex—it’s about connection, relationships, identity, pleasure, agency, and whole-person vitality. Exploring your sexuality holistically like I’ll introduce in this blog is like discovering a hidden superpower. Like any superpower (or self-development routine) it may not always be worth it, but it is always worth it.
Emily Nagoski reminds us that we are all normal, and that sexuality is a context-dependent, emotion-rich, brain-body story. Esther Perel pushes us to recognize that eroticism isn’t just about sex—it’s about feeling alive, creativity, risk, and vitality. Holistic sexuality lives within this space. It’s about tapping into your whole self: body, mind, context, culture, and connection. And that’s what this work is really about—reconnecting with your essence, with curiosity and compassion. Sexuality is a dynamic, contextual, and fluid part of one's identity, and you deserve to know yourself in this way, too.
The first step in the journey of holistic sexuality is understanding that you likely have a lot to relearn, unlearn, heal from, and grow into.
The Pillars of Holistic Sexuality
I’ve developed a framework that I call the Nine Pillars of Holistic Sexuality. They’re rooted in early models like Dr. Dennis Dailey’s Circles of Sexuality from 1981, but they’ve been expanded to reflect what I’ve seen over decades of work with real people, in real lives, with real complexities. These pillars aren’t meant to be followed in order, like a checklist. Life doesn’t work that way. We move between them, revisit them, and grow alongside them. Let’s dive in!
Sensuality
Sensuality is about experiencing the world through and with your senses–it’s your gateway to presence. So many people believe that they aren’t sensual people, and to that I say, “If you have access to any of the five senses, you’re a sensual being.” Our senses invite us to learn our yeses and nos, or as I like to say, our yucks and yums. Do you like floral scents but dislike woody fragrances? Do you love the sight of peonies and can’t stand the sight of garbage? You are a sensual being… we all are.
It’s impossible to access your senses without being present, in the moment, in your body. Our senses and therefore sensuality ties us to the physical plane, to our body, and can connect us to others. This is how sensuality fits into the pillars of holistic sexuality–it’s imperative that you know what you like and don’t like, what inspires you and turns you off, so you can communicate with a partner(s) and get curious about your partner(s) yucks and yums, too.
I’ll pose a couple questions for each pillar for you to begin. This is just a start, but a great way for you to start the important journey through this final frontier. Grab a notebook and let’s explore:
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Identify someone you know that you’d call a “sensual person” – what was it about this person that made you think of them as a sensual person?
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Do you consider yourself a sensual person or do you feel distant from the concept? Explore.
Wellness and Fertility
This pillar is about your overall sexual and reproductive health. But it also includes what you were (or weren’t) taught about your body, your anatomy, and your pleasure. It asks you to look at how your mental, emotional, and physical wellness intersect with your sexuality.
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Do you feel comfortable advocating for your sexual health in medical appointments? Explore.
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How do you feel about / towards your sexual anatomy?
Pleasure
If you haven’t had a chance to read our recent blog together, check out Pursuing Pleasure for a closer look at this pillar! In essence, like sensuality, pleasure ties us to the current moment with presence. Though pleasure is implicit in sexual connection, when we think of holistic sexuality, pleasure extends far beyond the sexual space and is encouraged in all aspects of your life.
Pleasure is the active experience of fulfillment and enjoyment. It is the “yum” compared to its opposite, “yuck.” Pleasure is your birthright and responsibility, and it requires you to be in the moment and to use your senses to fully experience your surroundings through body, mind, and soul. Pleasure is a vast continuum that includes self-pleasure and orgasm, but goes so much further. Pleasure reminds you that you are alive, worthy of experiencing it, and how we remember who we are.
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Describe your current relationship to pleasure?
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Has it changed over the course of your life? Why?
Desire
Desire is a spark. It’s curiosity, potential energy, and longing. It’s what excites you, what stirs you, what energizes you. This includes sexual desire, arousal, and libido that you experience internally and express externally, and it’s more. Desire is the amount of interest you have in sexual connection with yourself and others and includes your unique concept of what’s sexy, for yourself and others.
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Where and when do you feel the most vibrant in your life?
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If you were to come up with a symbol to represent your desire, what would it be?
Acts and Interests
This is the “what do I do with my sexuality?” pillar. It includes everything from self-pleasure to partnered experiences, communication skills, consent, fantasies, curiosities, boundaries, and kinks (and more!). There’s no right way to express your sexuality—only your way.
It’s about curiosity, courage, and the joy of discovering your authentic yeses—and just as importantly, your authentic nos.
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Describe your sexual debut. Interpret the prompt however you wish!
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How do you know what’s an authentic yes and an authentic no within your body? Not sure is an answer, too!
Intersecting Identities
This pillar represents the context in which you experience your life and your personal identity, such as your racial or cultural background, gender, socioeconomic status, education, physical ability, religion/spirituality, family of origin, and generation/age.
It seeks understanding of the context of the life you were born into as well as your current life, and invites you to understand how all aspects of your identity impact the way you experience, express, and access sexuality—and how they connect to systems of privilege and oppression. It is a pillar that stands alone and is also infused throughout each of the other pillars.
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How have your race and culture impacted your identity and your sexuality?
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What gender(s) are you attracted to: emotionally, romantically, platonically, and sexually?
Power and Trauma
Sexuality and power are deeply intertwined. This pillar explores how power has been used for or against you when it comes to sexual relationships. This can be on a continuum from flirting and seduction to harassment and violence. It also includes life events—including sexual, relational, or life events like death, divorce, or illness—that shape your sense of safety, expression, and agency. Holistic sexuality holds space for the healing that’s needed.
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Explore your relationship with flirting. Does it come easily to you? What does it look / feel like for you? How do you know someone is flirting with you?
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Have you ever withheld sex as a punishment or offered it up as an incentive to get something you wanted?
Relationship
Relationships are vital: they reflect and shape our sense of worth, attachment, and agency. They’re also a catalyst for growth, repair, and intimacy. This pillar represents your ability to experience emotional closeness with another person and to safely accept this closeness with vulnerability. Your relationships are where you can expand your understanding of your core needs and cultivate healthy relationships that are soul-serving.
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What traits do you need in a person and a relationship to feel safe and therefore vulnerable?
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How do you define and conceptualize intimacy?
Connection
At our core, we desire to be seen, wanted, understood, and valued. This pillar is about your connection to others—and to yourself. Love, attachment, community, interdependency, and belonging as human beings aren’t extras, they’re essential to our overall wellbeing.
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What makes you feel seen, wanted, understood, and valued?
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How does your concept of love impact your concept of sex and sexuality?
Agency is at the Heart of it All
Every one of these pillars is built on a foundation of personal agency, or the ability to know yourself, make aligned choices for yourself, and to live out those choices in your life. Holistic sexuality helps you practice agency in the most personal and powerful ways which greatly impacts your ability to activate your agency in other aspects of your life, too.
Sexual agency is about learning your terms and then living them both internally and within relationships, and throughout your lifetime. There’s peace in knowing the work is never done–it’s about presence, practice, and progress and the understanding that everyone around you has their own journey towards agency, too.
Sexuality as Necessity, More than a Luxury
You may be thinking to yourself, “Okay, Dr. J, this all sounds well and good, but how do I go about ‘doing the work’ beyond these journal prompts? And why do I need to do it again?”
So many people rely on experts for the things that matter in their lives: their bank accounts, physical fitness, nutrition, retirement planning, even designing their interiors, but how many people do you know value and pay attention to their own individual sexuality?
At this point, you know that I would argue your sexuality is foundational to your essence, to who you are as a human being, and I believe far too few people give it the spotlight it deserves. You deserve pleasure, connection, and trust in yourself. YOU get to be the expert in this area of your life, and it’s your time to claim that right!
Even just through these questions offered in this blog, you’re doing the work, taking one step closer to analyzing your sexuality holistically, and that matters. You matter, your stories matter, and your sexuality matters. Let’s ditch the shame, judgment, and secrecy and learn to become our own experts, changing not our own lives but our relationships, our communities, and our cultures while we are at it. So are you with me?
If you have questions, write Dr. Juliana at hello@dr-juliana.com. If you’d like to learn more about holistic sexuality, check out Dr. Juliana’s course Revealed at www.therevealedlife.com.
